Friend appreciates helpful e-mails

My buddy Bob Batdorf apparently isn't the only one being overwhelmed with junk e-mail these days. Most come from con artists hoping to make a fast buck from unsuspecting recipients.

It is wonderful how much my net worth has increased since the beginning of the year... all without any effort on my part. I've won dozens of lotteries in England. I didn't even enter them!

I've inherited money from relatives I didn't even know existed.

I've even been offered big cash for serving as a go-between for desperate leaders in foreign countries trying to transfer money into bank accounts in our country. I must have a worldwide reputation, because most of them contact me because they've heard of my trustworthiness.

I have been so blessed!

Seriously, the volume of e-mail has gotten so bad that SPAM filters aren't working. As a result of the hundreds of e-mail our office receives every week we are changing our addresses.

Bob Batdorf gets these e-mails, too. Plus others from family and friends, offering important advice. Bob is so thankful, he sent out the following e-mail to them:

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year!

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of transfats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with a deadly disease.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since the delivery people are actually Al Qaeda operatives in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I no longer charge my cell phone, cause in-coming calls while charging may cause it to blow up and burn my house down.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5 p.m. this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

To all my friends who send me "best wishes," chain letters, "angel" letters or other promises of good luck if I forwarded something... none of that stuff worked!

Could you please just send money, chocolate, movie tickets or gasoline vouchers and airline tickets instead? Thank you!"

Self worth

Sometimes we just need to be reminded of our own self-worth. We all should remember to count our blessings, not our problems.

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?"

Hands started going up.

He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.

"Well," he replied, "What if I do this?"

He dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

"Now, who still wants it?"

Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

"No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.

"Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

"But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you.

"The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by who we are and what we are. You are special.

"Don't ever forget it."