'Older' sure sounds better than 'old'

One's age is never brought home more clearly than when one is attempting to keep up with children and grandchildren. A recent week in hot, hot Florida, pounding the concrete acres of Disney World and Sea World for hours on end, slapped this bruising lesson against my aging body repeatedly.

Actually, it was the beautiful simple honesty of my four-year-old grandson which truly and emphatically made me wrap my brain around the fact I am no longer 25, 35, or even 45. My head, heart and spirit may fool me into thinking I have halted the aging process, but little Logan told it like it is.

We were enjoying the resort swimming pool when he looked me right in the eye: "Grandma, You're old." Then he added the kicker: "Grandma, You're squishy!"

Well, the truth hurts, but sometimes we all need a good swift kick in the reality pants.

I am mourning the death of acerbic comedian, George Carlin, who died June 22 at age 71 of heart problems. Carlin, who made us look at life through his cutting, biting, hysterically funny vision, relished his position as a comedian, a philosopher and social commentator. He often spoke of aging.

"'Older' sounds a little better than 'old,' doesn't it?," he said. "Sounds like it might even last a little longer. ... I'm getting old. And it's OK. Because, thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die -- I'll 'pass away.' Or I'll 'expire,' like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they'll call it a 'terminal episode.' The insurance company will refer to it as 'negative patient care outcome.' And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a 'therapeutic misadventure."'

Therefore, in honor of Carlin -- whose brilliant insight into human nature cut like a knife through society's funny bone -- I am sharing his treatise on growing up and growing old:

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!"

Carlin, who frequently pushed the boundaries of the First Amendment beginning with his famous "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television," might also have embraced the following, ripped from the Internet:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them."

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; head to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

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Sally Boyd is the obviously aging -- and squishy -- Neighbors Editor of The Bellevue Gazette, where some people think she dates back to the Civil War and that she personally laid the bricks for the building.